A bland smile is like a green light at an intersection, it feels good when you get one, but you forget it the moment you're past it.
A man in a bookstore buys a book on loneliness and every woman in the store hits on him. A woman buys a book on loneliness and the store clears out.
A ring is a halo on your finger.
Adventure without risk is Disneyland.
Americans are a quarter of a billion people who have almost nothing in common except for the fact they've been told they have lots in common.
Before machines the only form of entertainment people really had was relationships.
Being asked what animal you'd like to be is a trick question; you're already an animal.
Big companies are like marching bands. Even if half the band is playing random notes, it still sounds kind of like music. The concealment of failure is built into them.
Birds are a miracle because they prove to us there is a finer, simpler state of being which we may strive to attain.
Blame is just a lazy person's way of making sense of chaos.
Brain research tells us that only twenty percent of human beings have a sense of irony, which means that eighty percent of the world takes everything at face value.
Canadians can easily 'pass for American' as long as we don't accidentally use metric measurements or apologize when hit by a car.
Christmas makes everything twice as sad.
Cloning is great. If God made the original, then making copies should be fine.
Clowns drink to blot out the ravages of terrifying children for a living.
Depression is when you have lots of love, but no one's taking.
Eagles are seagulls with a good hairdo.
Earth was not built for six billion people all running around and being passionate about things. The world was built for about two million people foraging for roots and grubs.
Every human being you see in the course of a day has a problem that's sucking up at least 70 percent of his or her radar.
Every single moment is a coincidence.
Everybody has basically the same family, it's just reconfigured slightly differently from one to the next.
Everybody past a certain age, regardless of how they look on the outside, pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives.
Failure is authentic, and because it's authentic, it's real and genuine, and because of that, it's a pure state of being.
Fate is for losers.
Feeling unique is no indication of uniqueness.
Figure out what it is in life you don't do well, and then don't do it.
Florida isn't so much a place where one goes to reinvent oneself, as it is a place where one goes if one no longer wished to be found.
Flying dreams mean that you're doing the right thing with your life.
Fondue sets, martini shakers and juicing machines: three things the world could live completely without.
Forget about being world famous, it's hard enough just getting the automatic doors at the supermarket to acknowledge our existence.
Forget sex or politics or religion, loneliness is the subject that clears out a room.
Gap clothing allows you to look like you're from nowhere and anywhere.
God is what keeps us together after the love is gone.
Good-looking people with strong, fluoridated teeth get things handed to them on platters.
Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.
High school is such a shared experience in North American culture.
Human beings are the only animal that thinks they change who they are simply by moving to a different place. Birds migrate, but it's not quite the same thing.
I don't want any vegetables, thank you. I paid for the cow to eat them for me.
I find it hard to believe that human beings are the crowning achievement of life on earth. Something better than us has to come along.
I have trouble with seafood because it tastes like a dock.
I know it's not cat food, but what exactly is it that they put inside of tinned ravioli?
I like doing radio because it's so intimate. The moment people hear your voice, you're inside there heads, not only that, you're in there laying eggs.
I think money is due for some sort of collapse. People are going to realize that money has a half-life, like radioactive elements.
I think that in the future, clocks won't say three o'clock anymore. They'll just get right to the point and rename three o'clock 'Pepsi.'
I think the killers get far too much attention.
I want pills called September 10. You take one and your mind feels like the 11th never happened.
I've got 911 on speed dial.
If a building looks better under construction than it does when finished, then it's a failure.
If cats were double the size they are now, they'd probably be illegal.
If God drives a car, He'd drive a 1973 Ford LTD Brougham sedan with a claret-colored vinyl roof, with oxblood leather upholstery and an opera window.